I feel like I'm lost in the Borderlands, and I fear I'm getting dangerously close to eating the berries. (No, that doesn't make any sense unless you've read Libba Bray's A Great and Terrible Beauty, Rebel Angels, or The Sweet Far Thing.) 

Mom won't stop harping, alluding to, nudging in the direction of, and otherwise browbeating me with the idea of getting Galen back. This would be fine if I wanted Galen back. At all. Also, if the idea didn't turn my stomach and make me think vaguely suicidal things like "Maybe tonight is a good time to try taming a crack-addled wolverine" or "I wonder what would happen if I poked a polar bear with a chop stick." 

I'm only scared because my mother is like Sauron and Palpatine's scarrier sister (or Mama Petrelli Incarnate in other words). She can bend you to her will and you won't notice that it happened until several years down the line when you sort of shake your head and wonder what it was you meant to do a moment ago... So, in an act of rebellion, I decided that I should visit Delos instead of him visiting me. I'll be in Cali next weekend, as a result. What's half a continent when you're belatedly rebelling against parental authority? 

The Delos thing is... odd. I really like him. And not the fluttery giggly sort of like. Well, that enters into it a bit, but mostly because I know what he looks like without his shirt on. What I mean is I like him as a person. ... He... has feelings. He speaks. He explains when I ask him things and doesn't even mind explaining them (no, really, I'm not going to stop going on about that because no guy ever has done that unless we're counting my brothers/father/stepfather). He reacts calmly and reasonably when I call him all confused and upset. Did I mention he has feelings and actual thoughts and stuff? Well, it shocked me. 

We talk just about every night. For an hour. Sometimes 2. And I don't get bored. Very strange.

Oh, and he can keep up when I go on a tangeant about giant alien space monkies conquoring a horde of evil ninja zombies. He can even debate whether and why and if it's possible for zombies to have sex. ... The conversation even turned to neanderthal sex and whether there would have been a Neanderthal Sex Guide at some point. 

Plus, he can shoot stuff. 


The most amusing thing so far was when I (very, very drunk and well, most of you can guess what I'm like when drunk and if you can't then just imagine Lindsay Lohan circa 2005 back when she was out to have fun and not destroy herself utterly and also had not morphed into Nicole Ritchie) called Delos because I wasn't sure what we were classified as. Was I allowed to make out with someone else? And how about sex? Was he sexing someone else, or would he if the opportunity arose? Mind you, the phone call woke him up, and I have a 3 second attention span when tipsy. 



So I figure next weekend is a sort of test run. I hope it doesn't turn out disastrous, but if it does, at least I know there are guys out there who can actually carry on conversations. Two-sided conversations even. 

In other news. Joker and Nas are refusing to stop bugging me about when I'll be back in CollegeTown. Galen's an idiot. PartyBoy is clearly a 13-year-old girl in disguise. And Lucky is possibly the brightest of the Boys (and that's very worrisome). 

Also, D's married. He's not thrilled about it, either. Direct quote: 
Me: So, how's married life? 
D: ... I have a wife. And a kid. And a house. And a truck. And a mortage. Oh, and a dog. 
Me: Sounds amazing! 
D: ... erm, yes. It is. Very. ... It's weird. 
Me: You're a grownup now. 
D: Yeah. 

Then he found out I was going to be in town to visit Delos. He hemmed something about not having the money to hang out and it's so hard being responsible and maybe but we'd have to see... Then he decided he had to run. *eyeroll* Boys. 

Added bonus: Apparently, Roxxi's ex-longterm-boyfriend called D the other day and wanted to have a heart-to-heart about how he (the ex) is living with Roxxi's dad and has been for some time. She never mentioned this to D. Also, Roxxi's parents found out about the marriage only after it was signed, apparently? Yeah. Someone got conned. I'm not even sure who at this point...

My god, could they be any more "Days of our Lives"?

D left today. Justa few minutes ago actually. It's just J and me now. ... I kept my distance a little this time because D and I still had unresolved issues from last time. It was the best idea and it's put stuff back to normal again but... normal hurts more than the awkward. Because normal it's... D. And all three of us. And we're this group that is made of awesome. 

You have J, the big-talking, puffed-up, a little bit foppy, a little bit metro, working hard to hide that he's still his mama's only child, but underneath it he really can be an awesome friend (he has his horrid moments, but don't we all?). J is... J. If I tried to really describe him, it wouldn't work. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating until they meet him. J never ever ever shuts up. I love him to death but there's no mute button. And the ADD does get the best of him sometimes. But he just wants to be someone's hero. J will talk trash and gossip like none other but when it comes to actions, he'll show up. And that's a quality more valuable than you'd imagine. I want to kill him sometimes, but I'd miss him too much.

Then there's D. The golden boy and former boyscout who never met a sport or physical activity he couldn't do. Tough-as-nails Marine and a quiet, philosophical guy at heart. He wants the wild good times, but he'll talk about Thoreau too. D is the guy who all the girls fall for. Hard. Fast. And there's no looking back. No, really. He's 6'5, buff, has a big vocabulary, brains, and he can shoot stuff. Oh, and there's the square jaw and the big gray eyes and... you see where I'm going? Tattoos, wild side, plays the game but it's all for fun. He's got his own stresses- he's trying to live up to the hero. He's a Marine and he wants a relationship but he's smart enough to know how hard that's going to be.

Then there's me. Girly-girl country club kid and font of useless trivia that I am. Sick way too often and far too prone to being a spoiled brat, but I'll listen to their girl problems and laugh when they're being stalked by crazy exes, help with their problems and listen when I can't do anything more.
I love D. I know he has feelings for me, but I can't stand the thought of something going wrong and losing the friendship. And what would J do? What would I do? But it's okay, you know? Sometimes, some relationships just aren't conventional. I love him but I don't feel jealous about him sleeping with anyone else. We compare notes and laugh. We know we wouldn't work if we dated now, and maybe not ever. That's okay. We've got each other. 

Anyway. All this is me angsty because D just left on his way back to Cali and possibly Iraq, neither of which is a place where J or I can follow. And it's rough, damn it. We've had the 3 of us (well, they had each other more because I was keeping some space to make sure it went back to normal) and we're used to that pattern again. Now it's back to me and J. 

It's not always easy to explain that I come with 2 guys attatched. But I couldn't picture life with them cut out of it. And how many girls can walk into somewhere with two very very cute guys and laugh when every other straight girl in the room is shooting secret glares?

Will someone please tell me when exactly my life turned into a bad Mary Sue Fan Fiction of reality??! *headdesk* 

Other than that, moving in and such has gone well. Love my room mates, at least so far. Classes don't seem lethal yet. Although I have some reading I should be doing right now, but ah well. Such is procrastination.

David's been home since Friday. He, Jason, and I have been hanging out as much as we possibly can, and talking on the phone. They even helped me move in Sunday. And helped me get the tv working. And Jason helped my roommate get her computer working. I miss them both now. Damn it. 

There's other stuff goingon as well. But I need to eat and at least look at my marketing book before I head to class in an hour. So I'm afraid all the juicy bits will have to wait. I know you're all crushed. I just had to get that first line off my chest. I mean, seriously. It's revolting. Not to mention just a little disturbing lately.

My stepdad blew up at me after D left this afternoon.
I knew it was coming, but I thought he would at least wait until tonight. Too much to ask, I guess.
He doesn't like D's appearance. Longish hair, baggy jeans, and an earring must mean that the person is trash. Right. Some of the biggest slime balls I know look like Gap poster children. But what do I know?
He declared D is no longer welcome, and if I so much as spoke to him again... well, that threat wasn't pretty. Let's not talk about it.
Apparently somewhere in there, he also thinks that by talking with people who don't dress/look like preps I am risking my reputation, and by having guy friends I'm making it worse. wtf? Where was he through my entire high school career? Caitlin spent 2 years as a goth, Erin has never pretended to be a prep, and half my friends were guys.
But wait. They've made themselves clear that they hate Cait and Erin before too. well, Bill has. Mom gave up saying anything about Erin b/c if you've been friends as long as we have- not much is gonna change it.
Anyway, I defended D and I'm in trouble for it. He didn't want to hear that I have buys who are friends, or that maybe D's appearance has something to do with living in the city or anything else that I might have said. He even made the mistake of teliing me he thinks D will never make it in the Marines. Whatever. Maybe he won't- but I have faith he will. It's what he wants. And D never loses. Supporting him is something a friend does. Not that Bill would know this.
Gods. There's the problem.
Bill and my mom don't have social friends anymore. Hell, they hang out with each other and sometimes other members of the old '5 Points Club'. If you aren't a member of the country club, if you don't golf, if you don't worship Tommy/Nautica/Ralph Lauren, then you must be beneath them, and unworthy of praise or time. Certainly no one a young lady should be friends with. *bangs head on a brick wall*
Hell, even Tocarra isn't welcome anymore b/c she got pregnant, although maybe now that she's married they'd be ok...
I don't know. I just know that later on, when D came back to say good bye for real I didn't even get a chance to say it. Mom told him he wasn't welcome, I wasn't feeling well, and to go home.
*smiles* Apparently he wasn't really receptive to that. But he did go finally.
I'm going to miss him so much. At least I can still im him, if he'll speak to me again. *crosses fingers*

Had asthma attacks all freakin' day today. blech. Took like 3 or 4 breathing treatments. I had to call David at like 4 and told him I couldn't go skating b/c I was drugged to the gills and completely out of it.
He showed up around 6, apologizing for not coming sooner.
It's now 1 am and he just left. lol. We kinda fell asleep on the couch again, watching The Crow: City of Angels. We both love the first one, and just found ouselves amused at the bad acid trip and dreadful acting in this one.
The only other friend I have this much freedom, and more with, is Jade. And hell, I choose her over any stupid boy or sex any day.
And do you know what D did tonight? HE did that. He gave up spending the night with his gf, to get sex mainly, to hang out with me and hold my hand and keep me company.
How many 18 year old guys would give up sex so easily?


We talked about a lot of stuff but I can't even remember most of it, thanks to the drugs. He rubbed my back and played w/ my hair so I think I probably didn't care what was said. I gave him a back rub to say thanks for being a sweetheart. He'd never had one. Weird. He decided that from now on, all girlfriends must be able to give a great massage. *rolls eyes* then he almost fell asleep on me agai. Apparently not only am I an excellent masseuse, I make an excellent pillow.
He did fall asleep during the movie, but so did I so he's forgiven on that one.

However, we were talking about some less-than-pleasant bits of the recent past, and he was holding my hand... and mom walked in. She tried to lecture me about it.
Erm, she was the one who was engaged to 2 guys and dating a third. I am not going to listen to how bad it is for me to hold hands with a friend.

Fun fact for the night: David gives THE BEST hugs. This bites- I find the best hug-giver ever and I won't get to see him for years. Unless he really sends me tickets to see him in Cali.
He was pondering if they let you stay out of the barracks (after boot camp and such) if you're engaged, and if so, we should say we're engaged. Then we were talking about kids somehow... and how neither one of us wanted one under 5 years old. I said I'd have to adopt and/or have a nanny since I am so not mother material. He asked how I was gonna be rich to have a nanny. I just said I'd have to marry somebody rich or be really good at graphic design or something.
He told me he'd make a lot of money doing security work and stuff after the marines. *blink* something about comfortable household and stuff. He was looking at me with one of those guy looks.
I told him to be careful or I might marry him instead of Andy.
But the second wave of stuff was hitting so I dont' remember the convo after that. I think I changed the subject.
Anyway, the point i was going for at some time in this ramble was that I haven't seen D for like 5 years, and after 3 days I am more comfy around him than I've been around andy for ages.
Oh yeah, and he's really good at holding hands to. It's actually comfortable to hold hands with him. Comforting, too. And I hate having ppl holding my hand.
Random tangent: he told me yesterday heis hand always gets cold if he holds someone's for too long. Our hands were actually kind of hot.
Hm.
So, anyway, the comfyness factor. This worries me. I'm actually not overly attracted to D. Like, I'm not ready to strip his clothes off and hop into bed. I just love hanging out with him. I can't even imagine getting intimate with him. At all. In fact, just the idea of kissing him is beyond me. And I have one hell of an imagination.
the problem is, I guess it's showing up some of the huge flaws between my boyfriend and me. I don't just forget time and the world at large around Andy. I'm comfortable, but not totally me.
Hell. I think I prefer being a best friend to being a girlfriend. How f*cked up is that? I would trade all the awesome sex for the security of having a friend beside me.
*sulks* He leaves Tues. It's not fair. As soon as he leaves everything goes back to reality and I know my family is going to pitch a fit if I even mention visiting him. They love Andy and have him picked out as the one and only.
Goddess, this is going to drive me nuts.
Not that Andy is bad. He's awesome. He's the perfect boyfriend. I love him. I'm just being selfish and wanting the perfect balance between pal and boyfriend.
Breathe af. You have the perfect pals and the perfect boyfriend. Thrice blessed. A sister, a bro, and a guy.
If only all of life were so taken care of.
I'm going to go to bed. I'm too drugged to think straight. Sorry this entry is so circular, guys!!

I called David when I got home today. He actually answered but said he had to leave w/ his dad... then showed up at my house like 5 minutes later. lol.
God it was so great to hang out with him, we just got some catching up done and then Jason popped in. It was like olden times.
So many other summers of the three of us, drifting into each other's houses, though usually mine, snagging some canteloupe and watermelon, chugging lemonade, the boys rough housing, and occasionally using me as a shield.... :) They found Bill's pellet gun and started shooting cans off the front porch, and tried setting up some smirnoff caps on the big oak tree, but they had better luck with the cans.
Then we all went cruising- something new since last time it was all 3 of us none of us could drive (does that tell you how long its been?).
And oh yeah- to fully relive the past they raided my room, trying to decide on what I should wear. This evolved long ago b/c I took too long deciding on what to wear. Unfortunately this time they found my non-dresses. And blackmailed me into trying them on.
roflmao. Yeah. They tried everything in the book to get me to wear the spandex lightning-printed number Andy got me at Priscilla's a while back.
Don't worry- with them, I could dress however I want, I'm still just oddly a guy with long hair.
I'm not sure how it works, it's like they vaguely realize I'm a girl now, but it's sort of a side note. Not that they wouldn't mind seeing me nekkid, but even if they do, it's still me. *shrugs* It's nice.
Anyway, we dropped in at pizza hut, where david's latest gf and her sister work. He took the sister out on a date last night. And he likes her a lot better. Hm, oops! lol. The gf was so jealous b/c he was sitting next to me. *rolls eyes* hello? Promise Ring + the nickname "li'l sis". So not competition. She ought to be giving her sister the dirty looks.
Anyway, we're going skating on Friday night with Jason's 2 new chick friends. He thinks he's pimping cause two girls are hanging out with him. David and I are really hating to shatter his illusion: one likes him but doesn't feel up to being along w/ him yet. And it isn't the cute one.
I have missed these guys so much and I didn't even know it.
I knew I missed David, but I didn't realize how deeply until tonight. Jason dropped us back at my house so the two of us stayed up talking for a while. More catching up. And we discussed sex too.
I had to do some serious James Bond like driving to get us around his girlfriend to drop him off. rofl. It was great. He fully loves my driving.
He also is trying to teach me some of his defense moves in case some guy comes after me. I told him about an incident at Lucky's I haven't mentioned to anyone else aside from Chelsea and Cassie.
Hell, I think I told him everything thats happened flat out. And I think I heard everrything flat out that he's done the last 5 years too. It was like it was totally ok, no time had passed- he's still David, I'm still Afton. He's stlil Trebond, I'm still Mystra.
God he had a wild time in the cities. I found out about him theiving Civics, drag racing, saw some of the scars from the fights. The Marines are probably a very good thing for him.
As long as they don't change him completely. I think I would be heartbroken if that happens.
I love him. Seriously love him- he's a brother, a friend.... Nothing is ever too wild for him, and no judging.
Andy got jealous tonight when I called him- I guess I had too much fun. But he doesn't get the reasons why. It's been 5 years, and this time may never come again. Its like getting a free pass back to childhood, only we get to drive and don't have to hear mom callng down the block.
Everything else has changed, but this friendship has stayed the same, somehow. No awkwardness, no weirdness.
I'm treasuring it b/c in a week it's gone. In a week it's AIM and then letters to boot camp and then letters/AIM to wherever he is. I get a second shot at keeping one of my best friends- my surrogate bro. The only guy aside from Andy that I can say "I love you" to, and hear it back, and know it's real both ways.
Jason is much the same, but Jason it... Jason. It's hard to describe him without simply introducign you. You can hate him with a passion, but somewhere somehow you kinda like him too. But while I care about Jason, it's easier to talk to, and be close to, David.
Amd Jas is still down the street. David is thousands of miles away.