... made out with Nas last night. After a bottle of wine. And some rum. Not that I'm blaming the alcohol. ... I wish I could, but I can't. That one was all me. Me being bored and weirded out and sometimes I wish I understood why I do things the way I do, but then if I understood then it wouldn't be as much fun being me. 

I think mostly it's because I hate November. I hate being alone in November and remembering something that almost was and never can be. I hate the way the days are going gray and the wind is getting sharper. I hate the way I sometimes think I see his car. I hate the way that two years later, it's still hurting. Not as much, not as often, but out of the blue it's like this slug to the stomach and suddenly it's all I can do to breathe. 

So if I kiss someone new, it'll all go away. If I find someone else that feels like that against my skin, someone else who makes me laugh like that, someone else who makes it all go away... then maybe I won't remember anymore. 

Like he doesn't remember. 

I hate him like I hate November sometimes. 

And then I don't. 

Because he was lost a long time ago, and it's nothing to do with me. But I can still cry about it if I stay alone too long, think too long. Maybe I always will. Or maybe if I go far enough away for long enough, I'll forget it all. If I just run far enough, it'll all go away and be like it never was at all. 

Like it is for him. 


... it still didn't go away. I'm sorry, Nas. And you'll never know why.

Or pheremones. Maybe it's pheremones, as brittanygrace suggested. 

I'll try to start where I left off. I posted (very, very) drunkenly about Halloween. Let's clarify what I was rambling about: I went out with Jez, Joker and Nas. 

A few weeks ago, Nas had hit the point of bashing me over the head with clues and finally coming right out and asking about the possibility of us dating. I took evasive action because while I adore Nas, let's face it, I SUCK at the dating thing. I'm horrible and he deserves better. 

Last semester, Joker and I had a... thing. A couple times. It was nice, but Joker is a laid-back, not-my-type guy, and so it sort of faded into nothing, where I was okay with it being. I adore Joker too, as a friend. I thought Joker felt this way, and everything with last semester was gone. 

... I'm clueless sometimes. I really, really am. But maybe it was all the fault of my vampire outfit. 

We started out in Bar A. Bar A is 21 and over, so Joker's GF wasn't eligible. She was at Bar B with some friends. Joker did not want to go to Bar B. His vote was against Bar B all night. Meanwhile, at Bar A, I wound up wearing his hat, having his hand on my arm, talking to him, and swaying to bad music. There was even dancing. 

Italian Guy and Mr St Louis both texted/called while we were there. I texted Italian Guy back, and Joker took up the cause to tease me about it mercilessly. And wouldn't let it drop. He kept being like "so, you're going on a daaa-aate" and random other stuff.

It was sweet, in a way. Except for the he-has-a-GF part. Which I kept reminding him of. I don't think guys with girlfriends are supposed to have their arms around girls who are not the girlfriend in question, right? We were downstairs at Bar A, listening to the band when Nas and Jez decided we should really try Bar B. They motioned and went up, I tried to tug Joker along but got held back. We were dancing for what seemed like a really long time, before I finally realized what was going on (look, I had had two cosmos and a rum&coke, and I hadn't had dinner or lunch, or breakfast, so I was running a little slow). In the end Nas came back down and was like "What the hell happened to you two? We're leaving now, remember? Yes?" 

I still had to kind of drag Joker up and out of Bar A. 

We traipsed our freezing butts across the way to Bar B. Joker had my arm most of the way because I was drunk, in heels, and freezing. Again, he's sweet. 

His GF was right inside Bar B, but he hung back with me while I relocated my ID (I have been getting ID'ed constantly the last month or so, and I had not been ID'ed ALL SUMMER. And all last year.). We met up with his GF and he did the dutiful thing of kind of hanging there by her, sort of arm-around-the-shoulders. For all of thirty five seconds. I went to the bar with Nas, we got separated. I turned around a little lost, to find Joker wading through the crowd toward me. Some friends of his popped up and they talked for a while. The friends moved on to go get drinks, but Joker stayed put, talking to me then. 

Now, darlings, I was awfully hazy in my thinking processes right then, but I was like "Umm. we should find your girlfriend." He was like, "what? yeah, she's somewhere." 

So I start off to find the girlfriend, and he follows. We don' t find her, but we do find Nas. Then I stumble into the gf, who btw is a really nice girl and I like her. I don't know what the hell Joker's problem is except that she's younger and has some habits that annoy the hell out of him, like calling him 'baby.' Constantly. 

The costume contest happpened about then, with Nas and Joker participating. I dont' remember much in there, as Joker handed me a Caribou Lou just before so... hell. They could have been dancing like sweet Transvestites from Transylvania. I do know there were four girls dressed up like kinda sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who vogued for the crowd. That was awesome. 

Then came dancing. Which was slightly painful because I was in Heels, and the dancing was taking place out on a deck, so my heels kept slipping into the cracks. That came in as a handy getaway though, because we started out with me dancing with Nas, Joker with his GF, and her friend dancing around through us. I don't know, you know how that drunk dancing group mechanic goes. Except that suddenly Joker grabbed me, sort of tossed Nas toward his GF and then I was thinking 'oh noes' because last time Joker danced with me, he got all weird and handsy and grabby. Which is not like Joker at all, but he was quite hammered and I was quite with the falling and I knew this would so end badly. 

Luck was on my side! Nas shanghaied Joker off for drinks or shots or something, and three very hot (well, it was dark, I was drunk and they were welcome distractions anyway) guys who were dressed as 70s disco dudes were suddenly there. 

And the one who ended up with me could DANCE. And kiss, incidentally. I was totally getting made out with, and not minding in the least. But I did kind of limit the amount of making out, because I do have some self control. And I like dancing better. 

Everytime I turned around though, Joker was staring. Eye contact was made a couple times, and he did this thing where he chuckles and laughs and does the 'oh yeah, good times' routine that means he really wants to say something but can't or won't. I'm guessing this had to do with his being unable to unentangle his girlfriend long enough for him to get onto the dancefloor. 

I was okay with this arrangement. In fact, I was so okay with it, I was giving serious thought to ditching Nas and Joker and heading home with Scruffy 70s Boy. 

But, what with everything going on with Joker, I'm not wrong in thinking this behavior is not normal 'taken guy' behavior am I? 


Nas pulled me away from Scruffy 70s Boy. He insisted I was better than that and I didn't really want to go home with that guy. I think I told Nas he should go kiss Scruffy 70s boy and then convince me that that kiss was not worth a little moral ambiguity. 

Nas informed me I was drunk .

I informed Nas that there is truth in alcohol, and while I was searching for the truth, I was pretty sure I was going to find the truth of Scruffy 70s Boy's abilities. Because if you can dance like that, surely you can do other things... 

Nas was like "No. You're going home with us and you're going to behave. Seriously." 

"But I want him." 

"You are such a five year old when you're drunk." 

"... Point?" 

"I'll let you play with Jez's lightsaber." 

This was sneaky, because Jez had gone as a Jedi Knight and she had a really pretty lightsaber. And the lightsaber was in the car. 

So Nas coerced me into the car for a lightsaber. 

Then he and Joker promptly left me in the car. In a parking lot. On a cold, dark night. They said for five minutes. FIVE MINUTES my foot. So like, 20 minutes later I was ready to flip the hell out, freaked out, called zephyr_of_god and was like "omgit'saparkinglotandtherearehorrormoviesthatstartoutlikethisHELP. And do you think I should sleep with the hawt boy in the embroidered 70s shirt?" 

Mind you, this is random and 1:30 in the morning. She was like "Wtf? Did you take the red pill or something?" Then even through her annoyance and sleepyness she managed to awesomely talk me out of my panic, and also out of my decision to crawl into bed with Scruffy 70s boy, once she figured out what I was talking about. 

Nas finally effing reappeared and apologized a lot. I still don't know if they were kidnapped by aliens or somehting, but whatever. He drove me home and somehow I decided that a stop sign was a good place to grab him and kiss him like whoah. 

Nas commented that I am the most confusing girl EVER and too damn random for sanity. He's not wrong. So I kissed him again in the parking lot before I got out of the car. 

Note to self: Nas rocks at kissing. The boy's got game. Why the hell didn't I try that sooner? 

So that took care of Halloween. 

Then came last night. My date with Italian Guy. Actually, the whole date went awesomely. Saw the movie Saw IV (way more gross than it is scary), went out to the haunted graveyard as a big group (Italian Guy is scared of that stuff while I'm fascinated so that was interesting). We ended up at The Bar, hanging out with some friends and kicking back. ... and someone started getting shots. There were tequila shots. And 2-3 vodka+redbulls. Random other junk. Liquid cocaine. 

That and the rum I was drinking sent me all on a sugar rush. I started getting queasy but didn't get sick, so Italian Guy and I decided we'd call it a night. ... It would all have turned out fine if we could have gotten ahold of Safe Ride, but we couldn't get through, so we walked back to campus. After... goddess help me... we made out in his car. And then we wound up at his room, making out more. 

The only thing that saved me from total disaster was that- get this one - he's a virgin. What. The. Hell? 

Then came this morning's talk of "Omg, what exactly went on last night?" 

I don't think he expected that, but honestly, there are serious holes in my memory. It's all pretty damned blurry. I know fun was had by all, but... yeah. 

Then he was like "Uh, we moved a little fast there." 

"No. Really? I thought we were going pretty slow." /sarcasm. 

So he proceeded to go into this whole weird effing thing about did I mess around with him because there was alcohol or because I liked him and I was thinking "dude, the virginity is showing...seriously." but I was nice and just said "I like you, and yeah there was alcohol." Ambiguity is good sometimes, right? 

I do really like Italian Guy, but I dont' think I can handle the insecurity that is obviously going to come up with him. I have no time for sweet talking insecure boys. Especially because he was damn good at all that he did, and he figured out what buttons to push on me like half a second into everything, so the insecurity is stupid. REALLY stupid. 

And then he was asking something about going further and I was like "whatever you want. I like the whole no pressure on going further thing, but whatever. You need to work that out. And I am not giong to think about it until a few dates down the road, sorry." 

Somehow this upset him, like because I was not necessarily gung ho on having sex? Or because I was okay with just messing around? I got the impression he was not used to getting that response, and because he totally got the vibe (correctly) last night that I like sex, so he thought I was hoping for more (wrongly). That and he seems to have Girl Issues. Like, he's been turned down once too many times or something. Um, seriously guys? Confidence is hotter.

Or maybe he was asking about a relationship on some sideways way, adn I didn't catch it. I have no idea. Why was he talkign to me about this crap in the am?! I am still half-not-sober, and I am not a morning person anyway. Besides, I don't think he does well with confusion, which is my specialty. I think he's goign to be more friend material. I mean, he's sweet but he clearly can't handle a confusing, twisty, Gemini. 

I'll probably drop him a note later, sort of apologize for being on a different conversational page than he was this morning. 

I think I'll be going out with Mr St Louis tonight.

I had thought up this really deep, kinda funny entry to post, but I forgot it on my way back from class, because I was distracted by shiny things and hunger. 

It's really a very yucky day. I don't know why I bothered spending so much time on my hair and make-up today as it is all now one big general smear and fuzz. I HATE damp rainy days. Either rain or be dry. But don't just sit there and mist. Honestly. 

My roommate is having a bit of a bratty day. Okay, thats unfair, she was just having a bratty night last night, while I was whiny and tired. Of course my whining was inflicted only on my unfortunate IM buddies, while her "I HATE EVERYONE. ASSHOLES. EVERYONE. GRR." was pretty much universally inflicted. I no longer feel pity for her over the whole J issue. She got warned and she's grr-ing. So hey, she can take care of herself. 

N wants to do movie night tonight and I said sure, along with the other two suitemates. A, since she was busy hating the world, declared she didn't know. She might not feel like going. Basically I think she just came very close to out-divaing C. 

I don't know why people think girls have to wear make-up and be girly to be drama queen divas. I think the tomboys are doing pretty damn well at it. *eyes A and C* I'm just a victim of multiple personalities. What's their excuse? Wait, don't answer that on C's part. I would prefer not to know. 

Talked to Ziggy yesterday. Poor darling. I hope the burlap doesn't finish her off today. I also hope my marketing project doesn't finish ME off today. 

Watched America's Next Top Model last night. I blame Michelle. Anyway, it was vaguely entertaining. Didn't actually like any of them. Was struck by the gorgeousness of none. Then again, I was more interested in the biography of Edward the Black Prince that I was reading. Yes, I am in danger of my inner history geek taking over my entire life. But at least I'm cute. I could be hot if I put more effort into it, I think. But cute works well, so striving for hot is just too much bother. It's so expensive to maintain hot. And time-consuming. Besides, my whole love life is complicated enough as is, thank you. 

Because of a lack of D and J's current oddnesss, I am talking to Andy a bit more to get advised on guys.  And because Erin is an ocean and almost a large continent away, D is en route to getting shot at, Chelsea is being antisocial, Michelle is so busy, D2 is always drunk, Stephanie is going nuts with her school work, Ziggy and I seem to play a lot of phone tag, the other Erin is in Spain, Tocarra is in the process of trying to save her marriage, and... you get the idea. My social calendar is suddenly giving me more time than I'd anticipated. And the guys are all being dumb. 

See,  I got a random call from Justin who I had thought disappeared from the planet like a month ago. He seemed to expect me to be upset at his dropping out of existence. I wasn't.  He's a nice guy, but I really don't think he would work as a date. He likes mechanical things that go fast, like motocross and such. I like ballet. See where this might be a problem? Me too. 

Then I got a random call from D2, although we had an amusing conversation about drinking and life in general (all convos lead to alcohol with him). D sent me an email which rather made me want to hit him. And then there's... I don't know what to say about the other issue. It's something that I'll have to put into a locked entry as it's all guesswork at the moment.