Okay, so I play D&D. Sort of. A bit. Okay, really, I just sit there and roll the dice and join in on Rachel's crazy for the pure joy that is tormenting our GM (and the other guys in the group on occasion). And I am not always good at that since I am flaky and disappear many game nights; but when I am gone, I let Rachel have hold of my character because we share a certain brand of crazy, and she knows how to twist a story. 

I know, I know. I am totally not the type to play D&D. Except I totally am. Because it's all about a story and the group and the being random and zany and stuff. I am all for those things. I am not so much for the dice and the maths, but since half our group are like human calculators, I roll and let them tell me what I rolled. This works well. 

Now, let me tell you about our game, and our poor unfortunate DM. Gm? Well, you know, the guy who makes up the adventure and sets out the dungeons and the baddies and threatens to end our existences. Oh, SB, how we love you (I call him SB here as in Silent Bob becuase he's the semi-sane one and he sometimes goes entirely speechless at some of our antics). 

I tell you all this so that you can feel the proper empathy for SB. Other DM's design epic, grand heroic adventures for groups who long to go forth and do epic, grand, heroic things. SB designs epic, grand, heroic adventures for a group who wants to go forth and film Elves Gone Wild.
 
My character is a sun elf. A cute, charming, diplomatic little healer. Who's in love. With a gnome. A girl gnome, actually (Rachel's character). Their first evening together, the party was in need of money so the two of them set up a 'show' for the audience in a tavern. They made a nice profit. 

Now you've encountered our sun elf and gnome, please enter a drunken warforged (*coughRobotcough*) who just wants to drink more (*coughBenderWithASwordcough*.. .except he doesn't always have a sword. Sometimes he uses handy table legs, or leg bones, or half-a-dead beastie), a reformed evangelical kobold palladin attempting to save the world by converting them to Bahamut, and more recently a berserker dwarf. 

I have been gone due to schedule conflicts, so Rachel's had my character for a while. This is the update I just got: 

The gnome's got a sideline harem of other elves (though the sun elf may or may not know about those), and pimped out the sun elf (a few days after the poor elf had died, been zombified, was re-killed, and properly resurrected) to a bronze dragon. A half-bronze dragon. Whose other half involved something  with tentacles. Who was 19. And a virgin. 

Me: Tentacles you say? 
Rachel: Yep. 
Me: And you didn't get that recorded on a mystic crystal or something??! Do you know how much money we could have made with that?
Rachel: Damn.
SB: ... 

Of course the sun elf got pregnant. ... With a girl. Who, due to Rachel rolling two 69's in a row, SB decided is probably bisexual. We agreed. So now we shall have a part-copper dragon part-something part -sun elf baby with wings and two mommies (the gnome is assuming daddy duties). 

Me: ... You realize my character is 75.  She's a pregnant TEENAGE lesbian sunelf. 
Rachel: My gnome likes 'em young. 
SB: ... 
me: ... so the kid will be shiny, right? 
Rachel: At least they won't lose it that way. 
SB: ... 
Me: Um, so where's the dad? Maybe this time you could get some crystal or something... 
SB: He'll be around. Keeping an eye on his kid... 
Rachel: Child support! 
SB: oh good lord. Yeah, he might agree to pay from his horde in exchange for visitation rights ... Why am I even contemplating this?? Why? 
Rachel: So you arent' contemplating whether the gnome would make a move on the skinless living dragon. Because you know what would happen... she'd get sucked right up the-- 
SB: AAACK. 

AAaaand, speaking of recording things on mystical objects. Apparently the group found one of the parts of the Rod of Seven Parts on accident. Unfortunately it was used as a... um...  well, should any mages try to see the past of that object, they're going to be reaaaaallly entertained for a while. 

Rachel: So, we should find the other bits, so everyone can have one. 
Me: Mages need more porno. 

Meanwhile, back at our nearly-refurbished stronghold the gnome has gotten a license to open up a pub, named the drunken warforged her beermeister, another character is opening up a brothel, and the kobold is still trying to convert everyone. 

I maintain that after the current predicament of brain-eating zombie worms is fixed, we need a side adventure when the angry elven parents storm the stronghold in search of their wayward teenagers.