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21 June 2012 @ 12:38 pm
John Carter of Mars  
I didn't think this movie could suck as much as the reviews said it did, and I was right. It was worse.

Taylor Kitsch is adorable and likeable but I don't know if it's just that the director couldn't work with him or wtf happened but he was about as appealing as a piece of cardboard the entire time. Which is a problem when he's supposed to be the hero of a massive sprawling epic. It wasn't that bad until James Purefoy appeared to rescue Carter and Carter was so useless that Captain Puresex had to take himself captive with his own sword and OH MY GOD it was hilarious and perfect and WHY WASNT HE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE??! Because suddenly he was there and lighting up Mars, the screen, my loins etc and it was like "Oh my god I forgot watching this terrible movie what it felt like to enjoy a movie! Wait! Where are you going, James Purefoy??! NUUUUU Don't leave us with Useless Hero!!!"

James Purefoy and Ciaran Hinds made everything awesome everytime they showed up but sadly it made the woeful inadequacy of the main characters just that much worse and I really want Caesar And Antony Of Mars- it would be an amazing action buddy pic and there would be snark and perfection as they lead the ridiculously named Helium to victory against King Snarlsalot over there.

Meanwhile, we're all stuck watching Cardboard Carter and Poor Man's Megan Fox run around and the only being I really gave a damn about was the spunky frog-dog thing. I liked the frog-dog! But when the cute animal sidekick is the most charismatic thing in the main cast you have a slight problem.

Seriously this thing had Ciaran Hinds, Polly Walker, James Purefoy, Dominic West, Willem Dafoe, Thomas Haden Church... like tons of amazing and even semi-amazing actors and all of them manage about a billion times more charisma and coolness than the main characters.

Plus, even my husband remarked on the amazing multi-size boobs belonging to Deja, who I kept calling Poor Man's Megan Fox anyway and it's true- the costume department was blatantly padding then un-padding her chest depending on the scene and it was just really damn weird. As was the wedding dress. Although to be honest nothing could salvage Deja- I was hoping fervently for her painful and terrifying death from the moment she started whining about having to marry for the good of teh citeh. FFS CAN WE NOT WITH THIS TROPE??! So she runs off like a brat because despite being some kind of brilliant technology developer and scholar or whatever she CANNOT WED WITHOUT LUUUVE NUUUU! Sigh. Look, can we all agree that if she was 15 this would be believable but as a mid-twenties-ish princess she would probably stfu and do her duty? Couldn't there at least have been some whiff of "oh crap he's goign to kill me on the wedding night because I know how to make the Magical Blue Shiny Things!" No? We're really going to go with "I cannot liiiiiive without loooooooooooove!" ?? I hate you, scriptwriter.

I am sad because Deja is actually the same actress who played the fun waitress Dawn in True Blood and I liked her in that but in this movie she sucked. I want to blame the script and the director, tbh.

Meanwhile, John Cardboard of Mars is her love interest and he's just good at Mario jumping around like a demented video game bunny and looking vaguely annoyed. And at abandoning his sort-of-adopted green alien foster-mom person.

And while we are at that, how are aliens who hatch from eggs and raised by whichever female pickes them out of the hatchling ceremony even that damn familiar with the concept of genetic-parents? And why would they give a fuck? Like what in the hell made this a good idea for motivation? Within their culture wouldn't just having raised a kid be like 'parental' enough...? I do not get this business. Because it's a whole big deal in the movie about who foster-alien-mom's actual parents are when it seems like they'd all be more confused by that whole idea.

Basically whoever did this screenplay needs their ass kicked back into a writing class. Let's be incredibly obvious and clichee!! YEY! There has seriously got to be a better way to do Edgar Rice Burroughs stories than this because this almost makes that Traci Lords Syfy pic Princess of Mars look watchable. BLARGH.

The good points of this movie are basically that it is pretty, and the frog-dog and James Purefoy and Ciaran Hinds. And, I'll give it credit because it is REALLY DAMN PRETTY. It just sucks at pretty much everything else.

So um, in conclusion: I do not recommend watching this movie, but if you must watch it then start drinking before the movie starts. It would probably be better viewed through a haze of alcohol.
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firebluespinel: romefirebluespinel on June 21st, 2012 06:48 pm (UTC)
I really want Caesar And Antony Of Mars

This. So much this. SO. MUCH. THIS.

Also, agreement about the frog-dog. XD
the dream girl: bringin sexy back - antonysummersdream on June 21st, 2012 07:58 pm (UTC)
I loved the frog-dog! And he can run up vertical stuff! I want one!! He can be Caesar and Antony's loyal sidekick as they war against Pompey the Intergalactic Warlocks.

I cannot even imagine the sorrow of the movie execs when they saw this preview, cause come on they had to know this was going to end in a giant flop.
silk_noirsilk_noir on June 21st, 2012 08:13 pm (UTC)
Also Mark Strong.
readerjane: Puh-leaze Kittehreaderjane on June 22nd, 2012 12:47 am (UTC)
Yes! Yes! You have validated my reaction to this movie.

Nobody changes their life for the love of immediate family when they've been raised to believe that the nuclear family is a disgusting weak thing that OUR PEOPLE don't dirty themselves with.

Also, a total waste of Tim Riggins. And froggy-dog was adorable, but Adorable Screenstealing Pet can never save a movie.
the dream girl: good bye mr braincellsummersdream on June 22nd, 2012 12:58 am (UTC)
THANK YOU. Srsly, Brynden, Spike and me were all howling at the screen by the end of it and making jokes about Martian Logic Only.

Like... possibly if they had set up some kind of split in the green-alien culture it would have worked and it would have explained why the hell they all accepted him as leader at the end, only they didn't set up any damn split.

If they had stopped trying to make Cardboard Hero the center and started following Caesar, Antony, King Snarly and the evil history monks this movie would have been so much better. Focus on the ridiculous court intrigue and flash occasionally back to Cardboard and Not!Megan but noooo. BLARGH.

This director and screenwriter both ought to be locked in a corner to think about what they did. D:
readerjanereaderjane on June 22nd, 2012 01:31 am (UTC)
Or if Dejah Thoris had decided that since marrying the Snarly King was necessary to save her city, then by gum she'd marry him and work at becoming the power behind the throne until she could overthrow him entirely and reign in her own right... and then she'd realize he planned to kill her on their wedding night and be perfectly justified in swopping his head off. That would have been cool.

But I think they were determined to be faithful to canon. Which was pulp fiction written 95 years ago, so, yeah.
the dream girlsummersdream on June 23rd, 2012 08:07 pm (UTC)
That would have been a much better version!!

There's faithful to canon and then there's... blindly deciding the audience taste hasn't changed in 95 years. Why not update Deja's motivations and create some political factions in the green guys? Tbh in a sci-fi crowd that has made the new Battlestar Galactica and Game of Thrones popular, this was like Disney forgot it was 2012- the sci-fi crowd has got different expectations nowadays! You can stick to the broader story while taking out the stupidest old-school tropes. *flails* IT's like nothing about this movie makes actual sense. And yet it obviously cost a billion dollars!
Kay: faceclawikel89 on June 23rd, 2012 06:59 pm (UTC)
Agree ever so much! Poor Man's Megan Fox is VERREH spot-on, I just kept thinking of her as meganwannabe. Also, can I haz a whole movie of James Purefoy kidnapping himself? I wonder how they managed to make Taylor looks so teeth-achingly boring (I really loved him as Gambit back in the day)
the dream girl: as the sun risessummersdream on June 23rd, 2012 08:00 pm (UTC)
James Purefoy should have a massive career, like I don't know how he wasn't John Carter tbh. Except maybe he was smart enough not to want to helm this destined-to-tank ridiculous thing. I would totally watch him kidnap himself for two hours and not complain, I can't even lie.

You know... he wasn't bad at the end part. I wonder if he's just one of those actors who freezes up or can't compete with gigantic levels of special effects? Possibly he needs someone to act with and can't deal with green balls on poles? I don't know but he was so woefully out of his depth/miscast in John Carter I cannot figure out how the whole casting department didn't get sacked.

He wasn't even this bad in Battleship!! But then again Battleship just requires you to run around and shoot things and yell some with stuff blows up sooo....? Maybe the John Carter director should have had him do more of that?

I honestly felt like Deja had been watching all the Megan Fox Transformers films and was just pulling from that playbook "I shall breathe deeply! HEAVE THOSE BOSOMS!" Except she wasn't as fun to watch as Megan Fox so it just didn't work. :/
Kayikel89 on June 23rd, 2012 08:04 pm (UTC)
Your greenpoles theory makes a lot of sense, actually. Gambit charisma withers and dies in the face of unborn pixels lol And I'm never going to watch Battleship willingly, so I wouldn't know.

Deja was ridiculous both in terms of acting and character consistency (the unreasonable NOO I WANT LURVE NO WANNA MARRY ICKY DUDE thing you mentioned, if they say she's so smart and lady ruler and scientist whatnot)
the dream girl: flee!summersdream on June 23rd, 2012 08:13 pm (UTC)
Her father is Caesar! I refuse to believe Ciaran Hinds raised this girl! And he's all "You have always done your duty, I'm sorry sweetiepie..." So it makes it seem all the more stupid that she just runs off cause of LOOOOOVE. Daenaerys Targaryen would never pull this crap!

You should totally watch Battleship on DVD while drinking. It is hilarious. And most of the movie is worth it because the first 45 minutes is legitimately hilarious/awesome, and all the parts are pretty good up until their contractually-obligated game reference shows up to turn the last 30 minutes into a total farce of WTF (then just start a drinking game and you won't care). If you like Taylor it's even better.

But honestly they really did ruin a great action movie with the stupid last 30 minutes of "let us play Battleship with the aliens!!" And even then it's still a hell of a lot more fun to watch than any part of John Carter that isn't James Puresex kidnapping himself.
Kayikel89 on June 23rd, 2012 08:16 pm (UTC)
Okay, once you put it like that I'm willing to reconsider (booze recommendation helpes a lot, too XDD) Thanks!

also, nodsnods on Dany point *dragony cheers here*
Her Hamsternesshamsterwoman on July 7th, 2012 01:04 pm (UTC)
I tried to watch this on the plane, but, yeah, the frog-dog thing was kind of the best part (I gave up before I got to the James Purefoy bits, I guess?)
the dream girlsummersdream on July 9th, 2012 11:14 pm (UTC)
Probably. He shows up for a split second when Caesar comes in to see about his daughter's invention of the magical blue stuff but doesn't really do anything until Princess surrenders and they get her and John back to the City of Whatever. Then James Purefoy is awesome for a few minutes and it's awesome! Unfortunately there's still like a billionm hours of horrid movie after that. :(